Local teen declared failure

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Parisa Braun

Having a life? True Silicon Valley teens have never heard of it.

A local teen was declared a failure by the Silicon Valley Youth Value Council as they round out their school year without running a 501(c)(3) non-profit, starting two school clubs, and being nationally ranked in squash. The Council expressed their disappointment that the teen hadn’t taken eighteen Advanced Placement classes and clocked 400 hours of community service, while simultaneously having two unpaid internships.

In an exclusive interview with the teen, the teen expressed their understanding of the Council’s ruling, saying that “people don’t have intrinsic value, and we must weigh their value on largely factitious accolades, which unfortunately I have failed to receive.”

One friend of the teen concurs with the Council, acknowledging that their friend had put them in a hard spot: “You want to love your friends, but you also want to see them be successful, you know? And they seem to be genuinely enjoying parts of life —like going to see the sunset most days— while we’re all inside putting in the work. I don’t know, sometimes I think they need to get their priorities straight.” The friend further clarified that he loved the teen, just wanted to see them “doing well.”

This declaration by the Council further upholds typical, well-accepted beliefs that spending time with friends and family, prioritizing mental health, reading for pleasure, and savoring the teenage years should all come behind 6.0 GPAs, getting profiled by the New York Times, becoming Governor of California, and ending all suffering by the time of graduation.