Parents these days—they aren’t what they used to be. Remember when moms used to pin their hair in curls and wear those adorable polka-dot dresses? Oh! And the dads! Their neatly shaved mustaches and pristine vocabulary. It’s a shame what this generation has become… Wearing flannels and GAP jeans on a daily basis—no wonder the PTA gets so few donations! We, the more experienced lot of the group, have to get this situation under control. Imagine the secondhand embarrassment our parents would feel looking at their delinquent Facebook page when they’re all grown up! As daughters, it is our duty to monitor every move of our naive parents before they hurt themselves, you know?

Let’s start with Twitter. My my, what a dangerous place that is! One wrong click and mothers will find themselves in a headlock with their pilates instructor about the effects of glute exercise #2. Arguing online leaves imprints, and those traces of verbal violence can get her kicked off the baking committee, and strip her of any chance of getting into culinary school! Every child nowadays is a chef, and imagine the disappointment this mother would bring to her family if she got rejected from culinary school!

Now Facebook. Oh ho no. Once, I caught Father using the f-word, fishing, in his caption and posting a photo of him and his buddies with his slimy tuna in front of a murky lake. Despite his apologies and bowed head, I don’t believe in his promise one bit! You know how parents are: once they’re addicted, they never let go. When will they learn? Parents are snakes, and we’ve got to be owls—always one step ahead of them. Their moods change and their hair changes—everything about them is fickle. Keeping an eye on them 24/7 is key to helping them grow into mature elders so that they can become successful senior citizens. Social media is just another way to ensure that they are not putting their reputations at risk because that would be embarrassing. Did I mention the polka-dots?