Hi ____,

Direct! We respect it.

Hi,

You forget how you’re supposed to address the person so you don’t include a name at all. But otherwise, pretty straight to the point. This is cool.

Hi All,

Do you think saying “all” makes you superior to the rest of us? Just asking.

All,

Not even a greeting tbh. Only time this is acceptable is when you’re sending out a “I lost my ___” email.

Hi everyone,
The superior to “Hi All.”

Hello,
You’re trying to be more formal than “Hi,” and it’s working, but not as well as you hoped.

Hello!
You want something desperately, but you are scared of the recipient and also don’t know where to draw the casual-formal line. It’s okay that you want a response to your email, but you probably still won’t get it.

Hey!
Chill.

Hey All,
It’s the “all.” Again, we don’t like you.

Sup
We think more people should start their emails this way. Ms. Kauffman, please start your next all-school email like this. Alternatively, you could start all of your emails like this.

Good morning,
Personality made of nothing but cardboard and water.

Good afternoon,
You try too hard to be formal or you got too anxious to send it in the morning in fear that 11:30am is too early.

Good evening,
Dude, you shouldn’t even be sending this email. Ever heard of the email policy?

Dear ____,
This is an email. Not a letter. Catch up brotha. Get with the times.

No intro
You’re straight to the point. Or you’re lazy. Either way, no judgment. We respect the confidence.

Topic sentence in the subject line and then expansion in body of email
This is such a big brain move. We love you.

Heyo,
Middleschoolercore. Either you are a middle schooler or you’re an upper schooler trying to relate to middle schoolers. Keep doing this.