Best TJ snacks to keep in your locker


Parisa Braun

Quick locker snacks such as the Rolled Corn Tortilla Chips are ubiquitous at Trader Joe’s

Trader Joe’s. A fantastical land filled with rows of chocolate, the best frozen food, and a disturbing number of Casti students if you happen to walk in at 4:00 pm on a school day. In honor of our favorite snack provider, it was only fitting to write an article analyzing all the snacks that they’ve ripped-off from other brands. But what does it say about the Casti students who love these snacks so much? While I may not be a psychologist, I have a pretty good understanding of how people work from personal observations and a girl’s best friend, Google. A deeper analysis of each of these dupes reveals how they reflect the many different kinds of people that make up Casti’s unique student body.

Rolled Corn Tortilla Chips – Chili & Lime Flavored:
Perhaps the most popular and obvious dupe, “Trader Joe’s Rolled Corn Tortilla Chips – Chili & Lime Flavored” are better known around Casti as the “Trader Joe’s fake Takis”. Sadly, they were recently discontinued, maybe hinting at some tension between our favorite trader and the Takis brand. It takes a certain disposition to match the fiery taste of these delicious crunchers. Are you into the ~spicy~ style of life? You and these fake Takis are one and the same. Definitely the drama provider among your friends, your life could be made into a reality TV show. Some might even say you’re toxic, but if they keep coming back, is it your red flag or theirs? The mix of sour and spicy hurts, but if you’ve already had one then there’s no going back. Combined with the beautiful red stain they leave on your fingers, these chips are the only red flag you should be keeping in your life.

Trader Joe’s World’s Puffiest White Cheddar Corn Puffs:
Pirate’s Booty has become the pirate’s victim in this classic thievery of snack creations. “Trader Joe’s World’s Puffiest White Cheddar Corn Puffs” are cheesier, softer, and have traded their crunchiness for puffiness, but they’re still worth more than gold when it hits dinner time and overachieving Casti students are still on campus (looking at the Gatorbotics team). You don’t need an X to find where the human version of this treasure is buried around. Listen to a group conversation: where is the sound of silence coming from? Is it you? Congratulations, you are the quiet friend. At first, you may seem quiet and shy, but if they spend more time around you, people will discover your crazy side. Always reliable and consistent, though often misread as being boring, the real ones know that they’ve found a gem of a friend in you.

Scandinavian Swimmers:
Though they may not be as fast as us Casti swimmers, these Scandinavian Swimmers will speed their way out of your locker and into the mouths of your thieving friends. Multiple colors, animals, and flavors? Maybe Trader Joe’s has finally bagged a snack that’s cousins rather than twins with its on-brand counterpart. Of course, they just had to give themselves away with the name. Sweden is part of Scandinavia, and, shockingly enough, fish practically invented swimming. Nevertheless, the effort is noted, and now it’s time to note if you’re any one of these fun sea animal gummies, because who wants to be just a plain fish? Try thinking about your schedule for the week. If it doesn’t fill you with a sense of impending doom and desire to balance your plate by emptying it, then it’s very possible we’ve caught a Scandinavian Swimmer. This catch is elusive as a Casti student not wearing at least one UV, but what an amazing catch it is. You still feel emotions on a daily basis, and life is always full of color and joy, not just on no-homework breaks. Your friends cling onto you as a reminder that mental stability exists, like how these gummies cling onto your teeth. But remember to take rest days-swimming the stream of positivity can still be tough.

Joe Joe’s truly are the pinnacle of Trader Joe’s creativity. Not only do they have the most original, descriptive name ever, but they’re also as different as can be from on-brand Oreos. Major differences include no Oreo embossment on the cookie (but probably only for legal reasons), and the filling, which has “a more vanilla beany taste than Oreos, ‘cause they have a more processed flavor,” according to Maddie ‘26. If you haven’t identified with any of these dupes yet, Joe Joe’s might be the one for you. As intense and dark as the chocolate cookie part, you’ve also got hidden layers. A completely different person is revealed once people figure out how to get you to open up (all it could take is an excessive amount of sugar). Serious to flippant, tired to energetic, crunchy to soft, chocolate to vanilla. The evolution is unreal.

Joe’s O’s: Not to be confused with the aforementioned Joe Joe’s, Joe’s O’s have one less consonant and a lot more crunch. What is the difference between Cheerios and Joe’s O’s? There is practically none. In fact, in the true spirit of “great minds think alike,” Joe’s great mind has decided that even their cereal box should be the same shade of yellow. Look down at yourself. Are you wearing that shade of yellow as well? Probably not, but we all know it’s the inside that counts when it comes to identifying yourself as a Trader Joe’s dupe. Your very O-like self is fun, slightly disorganized, and perhaps a bit chaotic. Dare I guess that you have too much energy to be contained within your body, perhaps landing you in the portion of the population which has “short” as a defining personality trait? Small but mighty, just like Joe’s O’s.

Impromptu personality quiz aside, happy snacking! Be sure to visit Trader Joe’s the next time you feel like overanalyzing miniscule details outside of English class.